Zipper cussing Merge

There is a lot of road work going on and around this city of ours. Close to my shop is an ongoing cluster-cuss of construction that is projected to continue well into next summer. As a result, driving has become less than enjoyable. I mean, I learned to drive in Detroit when I was 17 so I can handle aggressive driving and such. What I can’t handle is the dumb, stupid-slow, blind u-turn, no indicator free-for-all that Charlottesville city streets have become. Quintessential Southern mentality and the gentile duplicity of well-meaning citizens, has led me to my current state of vehicular frustration…

Zipper Merge. It’s a thing. A good thing. Recently, I found myself driving in a lane that was slated to end in about a three quarters of a mile. Mind you, I was traveling at about 35 miles per hour when I saw the first sign. Traffic was pretty heavy but most of it was concentrated in the right lane (I was in the left). I continued on, slower, but still in my lane, when I had to put on the brakes and come to a complete stop because a single car was straddling the two lanes. I realized when I tried to move around the vehicle (and the driver subsequently moved further over to block my way), that he was policing the merge. All by himself, blesshisheart. It was all I could do to keep from unleashing the pent-up Detroit-borne teenage road rage on this guy. I stared hard at his Oakley’s in the side-view of his car. I watched the confused, elderly driver behind me, honking gently. And then I drove up onto the grassy, raised median and went around that brothertrucker.

“Zipper Merge, cusshead!” I wanted to yell, as I bumped and swerved past.

The Zipper Merge, also known as “late merge”, is a tested traffic flow directive that, as the name suggests, requires drivers to merge as late a possible to create a one-two, me-you, zipper-effect. This “zippering” keeps traffic moving at a consistent pace and greatly reduces accidents ahead of the merge point.

Here are some links if you want learn more:

They do it in Minnesota, doncha know.

Everybody loves a little wiki merge info.

Jon Stewart on the subject.

There’s even a video on youtube…

Share this concept with your loved ones. Tell your neighbor with the Oakley’s. ‘Cause next time, I’m not going around him- I’m going over him like a zipper over tighty-cussing-whities.

15 Ways “Orange Is the New Black” is roller derby

15 Ways Orange Is the New Black is roller derby:

1. It centers around the interactions of a large community of seemingly incongruous women.r-ORANGE-IS-THE-NEW-BLACK-large570

2. Once you are no longer Fresh Meat, you get the real team uniform.


3. Yelling at the refs can result in a major penalty.


4. There is a healthy lesbian population. (Although, truth be told, some are just “gay for the stay”.)


5. If the track gets shut down, some ladies go bananas. Some do whatever they can to work the system and get it open again.


6. There are committees. And everyone has a job.


7. Your family is tired of hearing you talk about the drama. But they’ll still tell complete strangers that you’re involved.


8. Wives.


9. Widows.


10. Everyone’s got a nickname, even the refs.


11. Sometimes it just feels good to hit a bitch.


12. There’s a lot of foul language.

13. It doesn’t matter what size you are, how old you are or if you’re transgender- they’ll gladly take you in.


14. It can be completely degrading and completely empowering. And if you apply yourself, you’ll come out stronger.

15. Ladies have mixed feelings about getting out. Some are scared to leave and others are relieved. Either way, it’s hard to adjust to the real world.


*all pictures copyright